How to cope when your parents divorce?

No matter your age, the bond you share with your parents is built on countless moments of joy and shared experiences. So, when they tell you their relationship has changed, it can be a difficult reality to face. Divorce often happens when a couple feels they can no longer live happily together. During this challenging time, consulting a family law solicitor can help you understand your rights and navigate the changes with support.

Unfortunately, especially during the teen years, it’s prevalent for children to think that their parents’ divorce is somehow their doing.

There is an unfortunate tendency to feel guilty about what happened or wish that something they could have done would have prevented the separation. 

Whether that be preventing arguments or cooperating more within the family; doing better with their behaviour, getting better grades or performing better in athletics. But separation and divorce are always a parents’ decision.

The sentimental feeling when parents are getting divorced

If your parents have told you they plan to divorce, you may be experiencing many feelings. Stress. Anger. Sadness. Frustration. Guilt. Anxiety.

Consequently, you may feel protective over one parent or blame another for the situation. You may feel abandoned or afraid.

Therefore, you may also feel a combination of all of these things moment to moment. Each day may bring up a new emotion within you. This is all normal. 

Divorce remains a common occurrence, with a significant percentage of marriages ending in separation, many involving children.

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Divorce rates in the UK

According to the most recent data for 2022, the divorce rate in England and Wales has decreased to 6.7 per 1,000 married men and 6.6 per 1,000 married women. These are the lowest rates since 1971, reflecting a downward trend compared to the high rates of the 1980s, when divorces were at their peak. Various factors, including economic challenges and changing social dynamics, may influence these trends today​.

Impacts of divorce on your life

If you grew up in one house with both your parents and perhaps a few siblings, a divorce will likely primarily change the daily dynamic. The separation could incite things like moving, changing schools, spending time with both parents separately, and perhaps even having to manage your parents’ unpleasant feelings and thoughts about one another. 

In many cases, parents may need to seek court involvement to establish custody arrangements and living situations, which consider the best interests of the child. You could end up living with one parent most of the time and visiting the other occasionally, or your parents may choose to split time with you evenly.

Your parents will want what is best for you above their feelings – if remaining around your friends you’ve grown up with or not moving out of your school district is what will allow you to stay grounded during this tumultuous period, make your voice heard.

Advice during your parent’s divorce

There are several things that parents and teens can do together to make a stressful situation a little bit easier. 

Don’t let anger get the best of you

Anger can sometimes mask underlying emotions like sadness, fear, or hurt. Recognizing these emotions can help you process them more effectively. Recognise this in both yourself and your parents. It’s okay to feel angry but try to remember not to let it control or impact your life for the worse. 

Look inward, ask yourself what you’re genuinely feeling, and try to communicate those feelings with those around you if you feel comfortable doing so. Take a deep breath and try to let the anger go – be fair to yourself and those around you by not letting deep-rooted hatred get the better of you. 

Don’t be their go-between

Sometimes, one parent will want their child to send a message to the other. This is not your job! Know that it is the furthest thing from your responsibility. As difficult as it can be to say no, it is often more detrimental than beneficial to assume this role. 

Your parents should handle their communication with each other, independent of you. 

Talk to your parents

Don’t keep your parents in the dark about how you might be feeling. They know this is not very easy for you. Let them know what you’re experiencing emotionally – it’s okay to tell them that you’re angry or sad. They probably are, too.

Talk to your parents about how they can be there for you, and how you can maintain a relationship as a family despite the new separation. Let them know what you want for your family as you all move forward into the unknown and undefined space and future. 

Talk to your close friends or speak to an expert

Sometimes someone outside of the immediate situation is the easiest to express your emotions to. The people that love you go further than just your family. Your close friends care about you. They’ll want you to feel as though you can lean on them during this difficult time. Although it might be hard to talk about with some of your friends, don’t bottle it inside. You never know, maybe they have a shared experience that could help you feel less isolated or misunderstood. 

If friends feel out of the question, talk to a therapist, or even a school counsellor. This might be something you feel uncomfortable with at first, but it can be a make-or-break difference in the long run. If you’re having a hard time settling with your emotions, they may be able to provide you with helpful insights or emotional coping strategies that change your outlook entirely. 

KEY TAKEAWAYS:

• Expect a range of emotions – Feelings like anger, sadness, and guilt are normal and valid.
• Divorce is between your parents, not you – You’re not responsible for their decision to separate.
• Take time with choices – Prioritize your mental health and stability in custody decisions.
• Avoid being a messenger – Let your parents communicate directly with each other.
• Express your feelings – Share your emotions with your parents to find support.
• Lean on others – Friends, a therapist, or a counselor can help you cope.
• Consider consulting a solicitor – A family law solicitor can clarify your rights and guide you through legal changes.